But that didn't stop the Spice Girls from confirming the one thing that the whole world already knew yesterday - the Spice Girls have reunited. At the end of the year all five of the Spice Girls - Lardy Spice, Stupidly Fake-Breasted Spice, Annoying Spice, Annoying Spice and Baby Spice - will get together for world tour that will last just over a month, take in 11 cities in eight different countries, see a Christmas-friendly Spice Girls Greatest Hits album released to accompany it and earn the Spice Girls a reported £10 million each. With that sort of money in their pockets, the Spice Girls could then be able to retire forever. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on our part.
This time yesterday we were pretty sure that the Spice Girls were reforming, but now it's a solid gold fact. For some reason the Spice Girls are putting their phenomenally successful solo careers - that's doing reality TV shows, doing reality TV shows, writing rubbish-sounding kid's books, having Axel Foley's baby and being miserable in layman's terms - on the back-burner to concentrate on what made them famous in the first place. Which we believe to be shouting "girl power!" every three seconds and agreeing to sponsor everything from fizzy drinks to newly-launched television channels.
The Spice Girls reunion has been long-rumoured - it didn't happen for Live 8, it didn't happen for their tenth anniversary, it didn't happen when Nelson Mandela asked them, it didn't happen for some other nondescript reason and it didn't happen for Princess Diana's weird concert - but yesterday all five of the Spice Girls showed up in a roped-off cinema at the O2 arena in London to tell the world the exact thing it had been dreading; the Spice Girls are getting back together in a matter of months. E! Online reports:
"We are girl power," said Halliwell, 34. "It doesn't matter how old you are, 5 or 65." Of why now was the right time to reunite, Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, told reporters, "I think for us it was about celebrating the past, enjoying each other and it's about our fans. It was kind of now or never." "We are going to celebrate the past," echoed "Posh" Beckham, 33, easily the most famous Spice alum. Brown, 32, concurred, adding, "We wanted to have some fun and be together again for a while."
The fact that each of the Spice Girls will earn £10 million for the tour, which amounts to just under £1 million for every night they play, isn't important, you see. Because the Spice Girls want to celebrate the past. When we want to celebrate the past we watch old episodes of Benji, Zax And The Alien Prince on YouTube and have long discussions about Tab Clear with our Care Bears, but the Spice Girls just happen to want to do it in a way that makes them insanely wealthy in the process. Between December 7 and January 24 the reformed Spice Girls will play dates in Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York, London, Cologne, Madrid, Beijing, Hong Kong, Sydney, Cape Town and Buenos Aires before going their separate ways again.
The Spice Girls are clearly expecting a lot of demand for these new shows, as ticket allocation will be decided by a lottery system. But that's assuming that the Spice Girls will sell-out each of their venues, which might be a lot to ask. After all, even the young fans who were left standing by the Spice Girls in 2000 when their rubbish last album was released will have had seven years to let their collection of Spice Girl action figures collect dust in the attic and are now just as likely to cringe at the sight of five barely-dressed women in their mid-thirties huddled around a Union Jack trying to recapture old glories as everyone else.
But even if the Spice Girls comeback tour is a failure the lottery system will remain in place. It's just you'll be vying for a spot watching the girls creak through Spice Up Your Life in the Maidstone branch of Jumpin' Jaks.
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